Wyld Creativity: One Fat Girl...Right Here.

Friday, September 18, 2009

One Fat Girl...Right Here.

So I’m sitting here and all I can think about is my weight. I’m thinking, how do I continue to let this happen. I do so well for so long then lose all momentum. Back in the beginning of this year I thought this was the year and for an entire semester I worked out every morning and I lost

20lbs but then it was a total stand still and I couldn’t take it and for a month of working out and not losing anything I gave up and now I’m still in the same place and it totally makes me SO frustrated and angry with myself. I should be at my goal…but working out and eating right isn’t a cookie cutter formula because if it was I wouldn’t have stopped my work out routine because the results would have been there.

I don’t know. We have a gym membership now that we hardly ever use, I feel hungry non stop and I have no will power, it’s so discouraging. I don’t want to come so far and give up…I’m always thinking of the dream but I’ve been trying off and on for 4 years now and the fact that I haven’t been able to break through yet totally is just so frustrating!
It’s hard to think about all the girls in my college class and know that I am the biggest, not only the biggest but huge compared to them! Everyone in my class has cute tiny figures; seriously usually there is someone who is overweight but not the girls in my class. They all have tight little waists and no fat on them. I’m not even exaggerating there are at least 20 girls and they all have bodies I would die for. My best girlfriend Daria is the worst of all! She has the tiniest waist and the

perfect hour glass body. When we walk together or sit together I feel like a giant next to her. I love her to death though but I could only imagine what it must feel like to slip into a slinky dress or slim fitting jeans or wear a shirt that clings to your stomach.
These last couple of months I have let my calorie intake slide way too much and I know that’s why I feel so horrible about myself. I know that I need to make some immediate changes to get my lifestyle back on track. I wish I had the confidence to know that working out at the gym and eating right every single day would guarantee weight loss success…I’m almost afraid to try at this point. I just don’t want to look at another goal pass me by yet again. Of course I was mapping out my goals again to see how long yet again it would take me to reach my goal and If I lost 6lbs a month I would reach it by next August, 10 months from now and that seems amazing and hopeful and sweet but at the same time I have set these goals up so many times before and not come close so I don’t think I want to.

It will be our 5th year anniversary next August and we haven’t travelled anywhere, we’ve never had a honey moon and this year I told Kyle I still didn’t want to go because I wouldn’t be able to wear a bikini and I so much want to go on the beach and have an amazing week with Kyle, actually travelling on a plane! I feel like such a letdown, always putting it off…I just want to be able to say honey lets go..I’ve got my bikini I’m all set!

My mom, other people in my life have been successful on different plans but I don’t really know what works for me anymore. All I know is something has to change or I will go crazy! I wish they had a biggest loser in Canada. I would so be there! It kills me…to go so long wanting something and never being able to get it.

I see flat stomachs everywhere I look…at school the girls were these short tank tops and waiting outside the go train they were these tight tee shirts and low rise jeans with their tummy exposed and it looks amazing…its toned, its flat and its attractive..Their arms are slender and they wear sleeveless tops and backless dresses. These are all things I could never wear. It’s crazy people might think I’m into girls because I’m always checking out their bodies! But that’s just because I’m in awe of how fit and slender they are. My body is a giggly mess and sitting here I’m so embarrassed and ashamed of my fat, It has to go..I don’t know how or when but soon!

Any family members that read this..hold me to these words. Don’t let me eat chips; snack once I’ve already had dinner or let me put food in my mouth when I’m not hungry! Don’t give me a big piece of dessert, give me the smallest Please! Help me. I really need the accountability. Remind me…every time I do this that I don’t need to eat, I’m not hungry! Especially when we go to the movies, don’t let me get ANY popcorn. I don’t need it!

I don’t want to be the fattest girl in class, the fattest member of my family, the fattest girl at work…I’m so tired of always being the fat girl. I know my family reads this so I don’t want to get too personal (even though I already have) but I know you guys see my body as being unattractive…fat…you see my low belly sticking out in jeans and me covering up my stomach when I sit on the couch. You see me pulling my arm sleeves down to hide my big arms..You see me always looking in the mirror. You know and I know..I am really overweight and it’s unhealthy, and it’s embarrassing..And it’s shameful and yes it’s very unattractive. I know this because I look at women who are the same size as me and I think those same things.

For so long I never wanted to talk about it because I was so embarrassed but now I just want things to change so I don’t care how ugly the truth looks.
I think I have ranted and raved enough for one night. I so just want advice or help..a personal trainer would be awesome but not likely. An accountability partner would be great too. I don’t know I just somehow believe that talking about it will make the weight loss goal come true and bring it to life. Sometimes when we say nothing there’s no one to hold us accountable to our actions. I just don’t want any more time to pass being the shape of woman that I am. I want to one day look in the mirror and see a woman with a flat long and lean stomach!
(Ps. U2 was awesome and I WILL post about that..but I’ve got to talk about what’s on my mind!)

1 comment:

Heidi said...: Heather, my sweet sister. I know you can do this. You've come a long way already. I don't know what sort of advice to give you. I feel like I'm in the same boat. It's hard to keep at it with eating well and working out. All it takes is a few weeks of eating crappy food for it all to come back but it takes months of not eating it to get rid of the fat and back into a disciplined life.

The only thing I've learned is that its not just counting calories but having those calories be good ones that matter. A salad with a chicken breast is way better calories than a plate of nachoes with cheese and salsa - unfortunately not quite as tasty or as easy.

Julian Michaels book Making the Cut has a good test to see what kind of metabolizer you are. When I was eating the right combo of foods is when I felt the best about myself and even my energy levels were high and I wasn't so tired - blah blah - what everyone always says. (I think mom has the book).

Anyway - I wish we were closer so we could go for walks together or something.

I love you - Hopefully I'll see you in a few months.

Heidi; September 20, 2009 at 5:02 PM

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The Story of a Prince and a Girl who Dreamed of finding Her Prince.

Once upon a time there was a young woman named Ruby; she lived in a far way kingdom where only the stars in the sky could light the way. The kingdom was tall and made of stone. Inside, it had all of the finest linens and tapestries with winding stair cases, golden mirrors and exotic flowers that stretched the kingdom’s stone walls. The kingdom was surrounded by a large creek bed and had a large wooden draw bridge outside the tall black iron front gates. Beyond the kingdom were many forests, pastures, rivers and hills.

The young woman lived in the kingdom with only her two servants Nigel and Jasmine. They had been with Ruby ever since her mother gave birth to her and have cared for her and loved her since the great royal war that took her family tragically away from her. Years had past since then and Ruby was a young woman now. Since the great royal war she had not seen another person beside her servants. The lands had been deserted as other kingdoms were destroyed and abandoned. No one knew this kingdom existed. It stood in a far off place that only one deserted over grown pathway in the forest would lead to.

Ruby spent her childhood growing up playing with all the animals in the forest, she had names for all of them and would spend her days dancing in the pastures and walking along the creek bed throwing stones into the water. She was content those days as she lived free and enjoyed every tree, every stone, and every pathway near the kingdom. She loved her home but she missed her family and many times she felt alone.

As Ruby grew older she began to stop playing in the pastures and instead she spent her days walking along the creek bed dreaming of finding love and not being alone anymore. Every night outside her balcony she would spend time looking out into the stars and making wishes that one day soon a wonderful man would find the unmarked path in the forest that would lead him to her kingdom.

Nigel and Jasmine were very old now; Ruby took time to care for them and tended to their needs. She would gather food from the garden and make them food to eat and get them blankets to make sure they were comfortable when it was cold. She was not sure how much longer they would live but one thing she knew was how much she admired they’re love for one another and she hold that in her heart for as long as she lived.

It was a warm fall evening; the leaves from the trees were lightly falling as the sun began to set. Ruby was standing on her balcony in her long white silk night gown. As the dark sky began to shine, a light breeze bustled against her gown and her long brown hair blew lightly in the wind. She stood with her hands on the balcony ledge and wished to the stars like she had so many nights before singing” Star light Star bright bring my prince home to me tonight” She stared up into the dark blue sky and began to talk more to the shinning stars.

Just as she was looking up into the sky, talking to the stars a man was following the pathway from the forest that leads to Ruby’s kingdom. He was beginning to approach the edge of the pathway he had began journeying on earlier that day and was about to step on to a beautiful white shiny stoned pebble walk way that would lead up to a draw bridge and to Ruby’s kingdom.

The young man had been travelling for months only eating what he could find along the pathway. Henry was a prince from the golden city of Persia. He was on an expedition when he was captured by rivals and taken to a far away land where he was imprisoned in a place he did not know. Months ago after many nights planning Henry escaped while the guards were sleeping. He thought he would be able to journey home by recognizing land marks but once he had fled the guards he realized that he was further from home then he ever imagined and much to his dismay he did not recognize any of his surroundings. He had been following the sun in hopes of finding his way home. Each day he walked further hoping that one day the pathway would lead him to his family.

Earlier that day Henry had been walking though the forest with large green bushes and fruitful trees around him when he saw a small unmarked pathway that was ragged and old. There were no fruit trees, only old tall trees and an old pebble pathway that seemed run down and abandoned.

He was going to continue to walk on the pathway he had been but something caught his eye as he walked past this abandoned trail. Henry saw a small red ruby attached to a ring lying in between some wet leaves. The sun was shining on it and it glistened and shinned at him. He bent down and lifted the leaves around it away and dusted the ring off and looked at. The ring was prestigious and fit for a princess. He thought about continuing on the main pathway road through the forest but he was drawn down this unmarked pathway. He wondered if this ruby red ring belonged to someone. He put the ring in his pocket and began to walk along the jagged unmarked pathway. He noticed that there were no markings along this pathway so it appeared that no one had walked this pathway for many years.

To Be Continued…

Wyld Creativity

Overcome.

Friday, September 18, 2009

One Fat Girl...Right Here.

1 comment:

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